Wildlife story by Pete Brammer

Wildlife story by Pete Brammer

[Pete has enjoyed the challenge of ‘Fit as many ***** words into’ a poem or story. He has done several including how many Elvis songs. This one is animals. He decided to underline the words so I have left it that way. Have a try yourself – any topic – and send them in. Ed.]

Gloria Stoat slid out of bed, leaving her husband Anthony snoring like a They had met and married, a year after she left the Royal Navy, serving as a Wren, on HMS Gillimot. Tom on the other hand was still in the service, as a Petty Officer on the destroyer, HMS Condor. Her throat was as dry as a Bears arse, leaving her a little Horse. In fact, to tell the truth, she was feeling Dog rough. Looking in the bathroom mirror, she could see her throat was as red as a Robin’s breast, and extremely difficult to Swallow. Then, a sudden bout of coughing, caused her toes to grip into the Shag pile carpet surrounding the fixtures.

“Do I ring in sick, or don’t I?” She pondered. “The supervisor will not believe me, anyway. He’ll swear blind I’m spinning him a Cock and Bull story.

A picture of him surfaced in her mind. Steve Vole, what a despicable little man? All he could talk about was sex and Cricket. She even hated his vulgar diction, like. “I’m going to the canteen for some Grub, and some Hens periods.” ‘

Gloria had nicknamed him ‘Porcupine’ due to him forever needling office staff. His eating habits left a lot to be desired too. He ate with his mouth open, and was forever picking his teeth. Jellied Eels being one of his favourites; that made Gloria want to wretch. A Gannet, if ever there was one.

The little Weasel constantly sucked up to management, in an effort to Worm his way in to their good books. A real Snake in the grass. He would Swan around the office, strutting like a Peacock. Should any of the women openly challenge him, you could guarantee he would turn to look good in their eyes. Oh how she despised him! One very rarely saw him smile, so his other nickname was ‘Aardvark‘. Eventually this got to him, and he snapped, asking. “Why are you calling me that?” imagine the look on his face, when someone said. “He with the long face!”

Well, it was make your mind up time. “I’m going.” She finally decided, sorting out her work clothes.


Slipping on her Mink coat, she headed for the garage and their silver Jaguar, with its registration GNU 763.

It was still dark as she set off, with a Barn Owl hooting from as nearby tree. The Cats’ eyes showing up brightly in the car headlights, as she drove towards them.

“The Buzzard Inn.” She thought, as the car passed the pub on the corner. “God, that’s where we got married, ten years ago. Doesn’t time fly?”

Fifteen minutes later she pulled into the office car park, next to her

best friend Beryl Fox from switchboard.

“Morning Gloria.” Beryl shouted.

Gloria gave a little wave and pointed to her throat.

“Lost your voice?” she laughed. “You’ll be quiet as a Mouse today


Gloria nodded before adding as she got much closer. “Steve better watch it this morning. Just let the little say one word out of place, and I’m having him!”

“Yes, and if I have any truck with him on the phone today, he’ll get a right Flea in his ear, I can tell you.” Then she added with a little snigger. “One of the girls told me, that he once tried to show her his Sparrow. She laughed at it, making him embarrassed, and said it wasn’t much of a Perch anyway!”

“It gets my Goat, how management can’t see through him. He wants locking up?”

“Look Gloria, that is just what they want. He’s a ‘Yes Man’ all gaffers like to have one on the books. It’s their way of having a Mole in the office.”

“Anyway Beryl, how are you today?”

The telephonist shook her head. “Not that good if the truth be known. I’m fed up of spending a penny.” “Why’s that?”

“I’ve got a touch of Thrush luv, and I can assure you it aint Pheasant. I mean, pleasant.” She grimaces. “It’s coming on again, now. I’ll have to shoot off.”

“Oh you poor Deer. Better let you go before you wet yourself.”

As Beryl made for the ‘Ladies’ Gloria took the stairs, up to the second

floor. Entering the office, she tried to Crane her neck over one of the

partitions trying to locate the supervisor.

“Looking for someone, Duck?” came a voice from behind her.

A Swift Turn, brought her face to face with the man she was looking

for. “Oh nobody in particular.” she replied, slightly Puffin’ from the

exertion of climbing the stairs.

It was then, that she felt his hands grasping her buttocks, like a couple of Limpets. Without thinking, she spun round, smacking him across the face. “You dirty Swine!” she cried, as he staggered back into the company chairman.

“In my office, now!” the chairman ordered, Frog marching him along the corridor.

“I was only having a bit of a     , boss!” “I saw where you had your Grubby hands.”

“The little Monkey.” said one of the typists. “I’d give anything to be a

Fly on the wall, to Earwig into what’s being said.”

“There’s one thing for sure, he’ll be Sheepish when he comes back. I

would demand an apology, if it was me.”

Gloria grinned. “He might not be coming back.”

A few minutes later, Gloria’s telephone rang. It was the chairman.

“Do you wish to press charges?” she was asked.

Numerous heads nodded around the office after she repeated his

words. “Err, yes sir I do.”

The last the girls saw of him, he was being driven away in a police Panda car, as it tried to Snake its way through the crowded car park and through the ornate gates. Their columns supporting a couple of rampant Lions.

Turning away from the window, Gloria began to tremble. “Here love.” offered one of the other typists, reaching into her bag. “Have a swig of this.” she pulled out a small bottle of brandy. Breaking the Seal, she offered it to Gloria. “You poor Lamb. He’s been Badge ing you for ages, hasn’t he?”

Gloria gratefully took a Slug and passed it back. “Thank you, I needed that.”

One of the two new office girls, Dorothy Crow, quietly suggested. “This might teach him a lesson, and he might be alright in the future.”

Leopards don’t change their spots.” Gloria reminded her, politely. It wasn’t long before word quickly circulated around the building, that the supervisor had, indeed been sacked.

When Gloria arrived home, her Eagle eyed husband sensed there

was something she was not telling him. “Are you alright my love?

What’s wrong?” trying to Ferret out what was the matter with her.

“Nothing my precious.” she daren’t tell him what happened, or he’d

go Ape. So she had to be Shrewd. “Just a little tired and run-down as

usual, pet and I’m, desperate to empty my bladder.”

“Well, your tea is in the fridge. I’ve done you a Crab and Prawn salad,

with Anchovies.” He called as she disappeared upstairs.

“I hope you’ve washed the lettuce. I don’t want to find a Caterpillar

on it’

“There’s no need to Nit-pick….Yes, it has been washed.” Now she felt guilty, after he had gone to the trouble of making her tea. “You must think I’m an ungrateful Cow.” “No I don’t. But we’ll be OK if we run short of milk for breakfast.” “I don’t think I could face going to the Beatle Drive with mother, tonight.” She thought.

Later she wished she had gone, as Ant settled down in front of the television, to watch his beloved Manchester United playing Wolverhampton Wanderers in the F.A. Cup Final. Even more so, after

Wolves won 9-3 after extra time………………………….. (Well you can dream,

can’t you?).

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