Ladies and Gentlemen, members of this awesome dissembly,
It is my privilege to shriek to you today through the medium of space, without rinsing my worms; to look back to our future; to explore how we may embrace a sea change in our shrinking, free from excessive red tape, pies in the sky or other porkies and assorted paper tigers; to discover, here and now, where we need to stand firm, but also, to find those moments when we need to move on to better timing. And above all, I urge you, with all my sinews, to hold up your palms, especially to this sea of bubbles (and its associated cant and froth), and by opposing, see it off. For, when all else fails, we need to stand above the crowd, cut through this jungle and tangle: all those lies embedded in convention, to reach an avon of peace and contention.
And I ask you, ladies and gentlemen to consider now why we are so politically corrective, why our gender issues so scary, why our children are no longer explorative, no longer risky or touchy feely? And why are our politicians so preachy and our preachers so creepy?
Gentlemen, I have to ask you, on a more personal mote, why are you less appealing? Did you really intend to upend and suspend all your gentleness, your courtesy and feeling? And ladies, what have you done with your suspenders and blushes, your modesty and your natural graces? Have you put them all in safe places? And I ask you all: why can’t we admit we quite like to see John Sergeant or Eddie Balls-up waddling and smooching about the dance floor with some thunder-bummed Siberian floozy? Why can’t we? Why can’t we mix our metaphors and smilies, if only for the sake of charity? Is there a lack of lucidity here, which could do with a dose of clarity?
I think the time has come, Ladies and gentlemen, when I need to ask you to help me to remember where I am mowing with all this charade, lest I get hoisted by my own facade. I really need to reposition these issues, and recover my indignity. I thought I had seen the darkness give submission to the light, but, sadly it seems to have got lost to sight. Seems I can no longer reprehend the meaning of my worms. So I feel I must now rest my case, and go away, and make my last Will and testicle. There’s no further bonus in dissembling.
So, it’s good night from me and good night from you. I must now return to my box and rekindle the darkness. Oh, and there’s just one more sodding finality … Please remember to switch off the lights. Then make the best fist you can of reality.